ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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