I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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