in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
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