FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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