i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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