it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
