I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
