I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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