I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
