Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i love accidental penises.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
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