I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
