I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
