I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Someone signed my nipple.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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