This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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