This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
