he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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