I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
And the cops told us we were all naked.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
