I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Randomize
