I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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