My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
