dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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