everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
3 2 1 whiskey
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
