i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
