i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Randomize
