Ambien. No doubt about it.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
