found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
