I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Randomize
