I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
We are all done wearing pants today
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
