8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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