before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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