i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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