shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm really busy with my period
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