mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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