i would punch a child for taco bell
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
