i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
