I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
