Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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