i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
