I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
