Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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