my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
im having a threesome with these popsicles
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
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