i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
