we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
