Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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