I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
