Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Randomize
