i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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