the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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