I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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