I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
