Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
It's shark week go big or go home
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
