You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
